The Masquerade Protocol
by lumpyspacewriter
Summary: Perryshmirtz. When Perry is forced to go undercover to foil Doofenshmirtz yet again, he learns a little more than he bargained for.


**Title: **The Masquerade Protocol  
**Summary: **When Perry is forced to go undercover to foil Doofenshmirtz yet again, he learns a little more than he bargained for.  
**Note: **This has been sitting in my documents for a few weeks now and I've finally managed to finish it, oh my god. This was inspired by a piece of Phineas and Ferb art I saw on Tumblr a while back. Reviews are appreciated! Enjoy.

* * *

**The Masquerade Protocol**

It was the perfect night to camp out. The sky was clear, the weather was beginning to cool after a scorching hot day, and the Flynn-Fletcher yard was a flurry of quiet activity. The homely scent of Linda's cookies wafted from the open door, adding to the seasonal feeling that was already hanging comfortably in the air. And after an entire day of no disturbances from work, Perry had never been more peeved to be sitting in his cold, unwelcome underground lair, waiting for a mission from Major Monogram.

Perry glared up at the screen and gave the tiniest of huffs. He missed his cosy little garden lounger already. Major Monogram coughed apologetically, his hands shuffling some papers somewhere off screen. He immediately launched into his briefing, and Perry struggled to jerk his thoughts away from what was waiting for him back home. Phineas and Ferb always pulled off the best camp-outs ever, and now he was going to miss out on almost all of that because his nemesis was a dope.

"I'm right to assume that you know what a masquerade ball is?" Major Monogram furrowed his impressive brow, frowning at Perry as he nodded quickly, jerking out of his stupor. "We've prepared you an appropriate outfit for the occasion. Hopefully, Carl managed to design a suit the right size this time and you won't be _slouching _all night. It's a charity ball to raise money for the Danville Aquarium and all of the local hot-shots are likely to be there. Roger Doofenshmirtz is hosting, so it is absolutely _vital_ that you look like you fit in."

On cue, Carl opened a door at the side of the room awkwardly with his elbow, a platypus sized tuxedo in one hand and a matching scarlet mask and fedora in the other. Perry rolled his eyes in distaste at the obnoxious feathers and glitter array, wondering just how quickly he could get this over with. He hated dressing fancy. It was hard to do battle when he was constantly nervous about scuffing his jacket or his tie coming loose. Carl, however, seemed so pleased with the outfit that he had tailored for his favourite secret agent, that Perry forced a small smile of gratitude and took off his fedora.

He didn't look too bad, he supposed, though he wasn't entirely sure if dark red was his color. Perry adjusted his tie with a reserved chatter, tugging at his collar in irritation. He placed the mask on his face and pushed his new hat onto his head. Well. At least he could probably sneak up on Doofenshmirtz without him actually knowing who he was, he thought, reminiscing on the various times that his nemesis had failed to recognise him without his trusted fedora. He hopped back onto his chair and faced Major Monogram, who gave him a grin of approval.

"Now, before you dash off," Major Monogram tugged indecisively on his collar, and Perry felt his stomach sink a little. "We're aware that you and Doof have an...er..._complex_ relationship. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't unusual for the two of you to socialize a lot during events like these. Um...Carl! This is incredibly awkward, and you seem to be an expert in that field, being a teenage boy and all. Explain the situation to Agent P."

Carl grumbled under his breath, and Perry bit back a sigh. The intern fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket, a blush rising on his cheeks. "You see, what Major Monogram is trying to say is that you and Doofenshmirtz act more like _friends_ than enemies, and that's just kind of strange, am I right? I mean, you're a secret agent and he's an evil genius-"

"I wouldn't say genius. Einstein was a genius. Doofenshmirtz is a slightly above average moron. I've _literally_ met animals that are smarter than him."

"As I was saying," Carl gave the screen a pointed glance and Major Monogram mimed zipping his lips. "The two of you always end up acting _weird_. I mean, what was the whole dancing thing on New Year's Eve all about? And that time Doofenshmirtz turned himself into a _platypus_? Sometimes, you act just like a married coup-"

Perry jumped to his tiny webbed feet and held a finger up, silencing Carl immediately. Too far, too darn _far_. He and Heinz were bad friends, and that was even a stretch. He knew that most bad friends didn't hold hands or have super secret matching bracelets (which Heinz had insisted on). But _they_ did, and Perry didn't really see what the problem was. However, arguing with Major Monogram on the subject would just slow down the night and cause unnecessary problems, so Perry crossed his arms over his chest and slumped down in his seat, motioning for Carl to continue.

Carl took a nervous step backwards and spoke again, "We _kind_ of need you to stay undercover tonight. Just act like you aren't Perry the Platypus, and foil his plan. Whatever the two of you get up to in your own time is totally down to you, but-"

Perry glared at him from under the brim of his hat.

"_Carl_." Major Monogram snapped. "We don't have all night, you know!"

"-not on missions, Agent P! Just...you know, save it for the laboratory, jeez!"

An awkward silence fell over the briefing room, and Major Monogram hid his burning face behind a clipboard and spoke in a slightly higher voice than usual. "We aren't entirely sure what Doofenshmirtz is planning, but his name was on the guest list. And he sent his daughter to pick up a costume this afternoon, so we're assuming that he was busy creating some kind of havoc-making machine!"

Perry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Hardly_.

Major Monogram gave a slight chuckle. "We're sure that whatever his plan is, it's going to need _unmasking_. Good luck, Agent P! And remember, sit up straight, for goodness sake!"

"His plans are certainly going to be _defaced_, am I right?"

"Quiet, Carl!" Major Monogram snapped, and Perry took this as his cue to leave. "Only I make masquerade puns around here."

* * *

Danville Emporium was the most spectacular building in the city. It was also the oldest, and just looking at it made Perry feel bigger and clumsier than he actually was. He joined the line of people outside the great marble doors and fished in his breast pocket, hoping that he had been equipped with an invitation. He could of broken into the building via the roof or various bathroom windows, but the risk of being discovered and kicked back out was too great. His paw closed around a small rectangle envelope and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Once he had reached the grand entrance hall, Perry spotted Roger Doofenshmirtz. He was standing at a small podium, shaking hands with the guests as they filed past him, his usual charismatic grin fixed firmly in place. Before he met his nemesis for the first time, like almost every other citizen of Danville, Perry found the town mayor to be pleasant and charming. However, after thwarting several schemes and hearing a whole barrage of disturbing back-stories, Perry had begun to find Roger both exhausting and arrogant. He shook Roger's hand and flashed his invitation, struggling not to roll his eyes, and followed the crowd of people that were making their way into the party.

Perry squinted into the dimmed room. He peered through the masses of suits and ball gowns, hoping for a clue about where his nemesis might be lurking. It proved to be a lot more difficult than he had first anticipated. He strolled around for a few minutes, looking for people with pointed noses muttering to themselves about a mass takeover. But everyone around him seemed relevantly normal. Perry was about to call Major Monogram and ask him to review the information, but a man sitting alone at a small table in a corner caught his attention. He squinted again, taking a few steps forward.

Dressed in a black suit, with a purple tie and matching mask, Heinz Doofenshmirtz was instantly recognisable. Firstly, by the color of his mask, which appeared to be the exact same shade as most of his furniture and his building. But the biggest give-away was the hand-held ray-gun type object that was taking up most of the space at the table. At a glance, it looked almost like a real gun. Perry dismissed the notion immediately. Doofenshmirtz was too stupid to actually obtain a weapon of such lethality, yet he _wasn't_ quite stupid enough to leave it lying out in the open if he were to have one. Besides, he was sure that Doofenshmirtz would accidentally shoot himself in the foot if he so much as _looked_ at a real gun.

Straightening his tie, Perry wandered over to where Doofenshmirtz was perched at a table, his legs neatly crossed and a half-empty glass in front of him. He had his chin resting on his hands, staring into the crowd, seemingly waiting for something. Perry took a moment to appreciate his nemesis in such a state of calm, which was a relatively welcome break to his usual non-stop chatter and hyperactivity. Then, wondering how quickly he could grab the invention and smash it to pieces, he took a seat directly opposite his nemesis.

Doofenshmirtz remained immobile for a few seconds, then he looked up at Perry in mild surprise. As predicted, Doofenshmirtz smiled at him warmly, completely unaware that he _wasn't_ sharing a table with a complete stranger. If Perry were in any other mood, he would of slapped himself in the face out of sheer exasperation.

"Uh. _Hello_. Are you here alone too?"

Perry gave a stiff nod, and Doofenshmirtz cocked his head to the side.

"That's cool. My brother's the host. Seriously though, a masquerade ball? These things are _so_ sixteenth century renaissance!"

Nodding again, Perry pointed at the ray-gun, feigning curiosity.

"Oh, that?" Doofenshmirtz picked it up with an enthusiastic grin. "This is my Unmask-Inator! See, I have this whole evil scheme to reveal everybody's identities before the end of the night! I'd of done it a little earlier, but my nemesis hasn't shown up yet. I hope he gets here soon, I have like, a whole back-story to tell him."

Great, now Perry felt bad. He was a hand movement away from barrelling right into the butt-kicking and escaping the wretched ball, but apparently Doofenshmirtz had other ideas. He quickly drained his glass and stood up, still smiling like he was genuinely glad to actually have a little company.

"I'll get us drinks! You wait here, okay? Is cider good for you?"

Perry blanched. Was cider good? He wasn't entirely sure that platypi could drink alcoholic beverages. He had only ever tried it once. He accidentally lapped at a spilt beer can that Lawrence had tipsily left lying around on New Year one time, and Perry was promptly violently sick into a rose bush outside. He nodded regardless, hoping that cider wouldn't taste so foul. Perry clasped his paws in his lap and watched Doofenshmirtz weave his way through the crowd, leaving his latest maniacal creation lying right there on the table.

It would take Perry under ten seconds to grab the Inator and make a break for it, but several things were keeping him glued to his chair, with his mask fixed firmly on his bill. Amusement, because even after so many years of being in his company, Doofenshmirtz still didn't recognise him without his darn fedora. Curiosity, because the night was still young, and Perry had attended several social gatherings with his nemesis in the past and those had turned out to be pretty fun. But mostly, Perry couldn't help feeling an uncomfortable sense of pity lying deep in his stomach. The idea of leaving so soon, and worse still, leaving Doofenshmirtz alone at his hated brother's party, just didn't quite sit well with him.

"You look pretty thoughtful. Wanna talk about it?"

Perry jumped, startled, when a tall flute glass was placed on the table in front of him. It was filled with something clear and sparkling. He looked over at Doofenshmirtz, who had his own glass in one hand and a fancy looking bottle in the other. Instead of taking his seat opposite Perry, Doofenshmirtz sat in the empty chair to his left. He put the items down with a small smile, which Perry returned briefly before taking a sip from his glass, almost choking on the bubbles. It tasted like apples and summer fruit, which he supposed wasn't too bad.

"You aren't very talkative, are you?"

Perry shrugged dismissively.

"_Yeeeah_. My nemesis doesn't talk much either. Then again, he is a platypus," Doofenshmirtz refilled his glass with a small shrug of his own. "Hey, are you foreign? I'm kind of getting a _vibe_ from you."

Nodding, Perry reasoned that if his nemesis assumed that he could barely understand English, he had a good excuse for not speaking at all.

"It can be pretty scary being in a whole new country by yourself. When I first got here-" Doofenshmirtz gestured with one hand, almost sending his cider flying over the table. "-I barely said one word to anyone. I was always so anxious about saying something wrong or dumb, but it gets easier, y'know. All you need is _time_!"

Perry couldn't imagine Doofenshmirtz not talking. The guy never shut up. He always had something to say, no matter what the situation. Heinz was the type of person to make a pun when he had a pistol pointing at his temple. He chatted more than enough for both of them, which Perry found irritating and endearing. It was sort of nice just listening, though. His nemesis explained the whole rigmarole of learning to survive in a new country, and he even jotted down some websites that could help him learn the most basic English phrases.

The night wore on, and a couple of glasses later, Perry was starting to enjoy the company of his nemesis more and more. Doofenshmirtz could be a fun guy, when he wasn't trying to take down the entire city. He talked about everything, from his latest scheme to what Vanessa was doing at school. He mentioned Perry numerous times, which was a little uncomfortable when they were sitting so close together. In fact, Doofenshmirtz brought up Perry's name in almost every other sentence, and although most of the stories involved them being inches from murdering each other over some idiotic invention, Doofenshmirtz spoke of these times with nothing but fondness.

"It's really strange that he hasn't shown up," Doofenshmirtz checked his watch for the umpteenth time that evening. He seemed a little more ditzy than usual, and Perry struggled to figure out if it was the effects of the cider that Doofenshmirtz had knocked back that evening, or if he was just completely frazzled by Perry's apparent lack of appearance. "Seriously, he always shows up. He's even followed me into space before. _Space_. More than once! I can't even go to the mall without him spying on me like some...some secret agent. Well, he _is_ a secret agent, but still. He should be here!"

Perry's method of distraction couldn't last forever. He tensed as Doofenshmirtz glanced over at the Inator and picked it up, toying absent-mindedly with the dial on the side. He noticed that it had three different settings: _mask, unmask, self-destruct_. If Perry could just get it into his own hands and set it to self-destruct, then he could make a quick getaway and maybe even keep his identity hidden.

"You know, you look awfully familiar," Doofenshmirtz said all of a sudden, leaning across the table slightly. Perry swallowed hard, trying to look anywhere else. "You're kinda small and quiet, just like my nemesis. And my old nemesis too! He was tiny and brooding. He was a panda bear. Pretty cool, right?"

Perry quickly faked an interest, propping his head onto his hands. He gazed at Doofenshmirtz as if he were about to tell him a story that he was really interested in hearing. Although, it was a story that he would rather just forget for the sake of his own jealousy. And Perry had to disagree. Pandas couldn't breathe underwater, they were terrible at camouflage and they had about three facial expressions to choose from. They weren't cool at all. Doofenshmirtz seemed slightly taken aback by Perry's enthusiasm, but he smiled regardless.

"Well, Peter the Panda was never really an official nemesis. He was sort of like a decoy, so I could trick Perry the Platypus into thinking I'd broken up with him. I had some scheme planned, and we ended up on a talk show. It was pretty crazy," Doofenshmirtz swapped the Inator from one hand to the other, and Perry took a nervous sip of his drink. He was starting to feel a little more than light-headed. "Anyway, I ended up with Perry as my nemesis again and I'm actually happy that the scheme went wrong, you know?"

Perry gave a knowing nod. He was happy that it messed up too.

"Besides, me and Perry the Platypus are like-" Doofenshmirtz waved a hand, searching for the right words. "-an old married couple? Yeah! Exactly like an old married couple. Most of the time, I want to stamp on his cute little beaver tail, but underneath all that, we're still good."

Perry's eyes widened.

"I mean, he's cute and funny and I like it when he smiles. Because the guy doesn't do that a lot," Doofenshmirtz gave a nervous chuckle. "It kinda makes me feel like I've done something right, you get me? And we're awesome together too. An awesome _team_. He's special. Yeah. I love that stupid little platypus to death."

Every head in the room turned swiftly to their table as Perry all but inhaled an entire flute of cider and snorted it back out of his bill. He coughed and coughed, struggling for air as he buried his face into his arms and slumped into the table. His mask, bill and suit were dripping with cider, and he could remotely feel a hand slapping him lightly on the back.

"Wow, are you okay? Man, that was super embarrassing! Impressive, but totally mortifying," Perry raised his head, blushing furiously. He didn't even know that he could blush so deep. His fur was on fire. "You're soaked through, do you wanna go dry your mask off in the bathroom or something?"

Stifling his relentless choking fit, Perry shook his head as politely as he could and tried to maintain some of his shattered dignity. He raised his face from his arms and promptly poured himself another drink with shaking hands, trying with all of his might to not look at Doofenshmirtz. He had sat back down in his own seat, peering at Perry with concern written all over his face.

"Well..."

Perry drained his glass of cider in one swift motion, his throat raw.

"I guess I should get this show on the road," Doofenshmirtz looked at his watch. "I guess Perry the _Doesn't-Show-Up-A-Pus _has something better going on tonight. Are you gonna stick around for this? You can witness American evil first hand! Even though I'm technically German, but we're _in_ America."

Perry pointed at the Inator, then back to himself.

"Do _you_ wanna do it?" Doofenshmirtz was looking at Perry as if he were about to randomly burst into another coughing fit. "O-_kaaay_. But try not to choke again? I have a doctorate, but I don't _actually_ know CPR. And having you die on me would just totally blow the evening. And the medical bills in this country? _Outrageous_! So just be careful, and don't hurt yourself."

Perry mimed crossing his heart and finally, _finally _he was holding the Unmask-Inator.

He glanced at the door again, but running away would of provided a task that he wasn't sure he was quite cut out for after almost dying. Instead, he savoured having the Inator in his hands after just staring at it all evening. Perry's fingers brushed against the dial on the side, and he quickly flipped it to 'self-destruct', before pulling the trigger and wincing at the horrible spluttering noise that it made.

"Aw, man!"

Instead of launching a beam at the group of people that he had pointed it at, the Inator simply fell to pieces in Perry's hands. He swallowed a chatter of relief and looked at Doofenshmirtz with a look of regret fixed on his face. His nemesis tried to glare at him, but he seemed incapable of being mad. Instead, he rolled his eyes and tutted. "That was really my fault, I should of actually pointed out the correct button to you..."

Doofenshmirtz waved a hand dismissively at the broken pieces on the floor. "No matter! It wasn't a good idea in the first place. I just wanted an excuse to cause a scene, but it looks like you did that for me! Granted, it was a pretty embarrassing scene, but it was still a scene! So by default, I beat Perry the Platypus!"

Perry nodded reluctantly, hardly calling it a beating. It didn't count if Doofenshmirtz technically thought that he wasn't there, but he would doubtlessly gloat about it for weeks on end. Perry watched Doofenshmirtz kick half-heartedly at the nuts and bolts on the floor, wondering if he had to leave now. He glanced down at his watch. He had barely been there for two hours, and his mission for the night was over. He could very well leave without causing too much emotional damage, Doofenshmirtz was probably riding the euphoria of finally 'winning'. But as he made to clamber down from his seat, Doofenshmirtz spoke again.

"Hey, we've been here for hours now and we haven't even danced," Doofenshmirtz stayed on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "And I can totally see Roger watching me, so...will you dance with me? Y'know, so we don't look like complete anti-social losers? I'd normally ask Perry the Platypus, but he isn't here..."

He held out a hand to Perry, who blanched momentarily. Major Monogram would probably have his head if he found out that he had been purposefully disobeyed, but when Perry looked over to where Roger was stood, surrounded by a flock of pretty women, he was filled with a mild, niggling annoyance. He turned back to Doofenshmirtz and promptly took his offered hand. He was off the clock now, so he could really do whatever he pleased.

"Awesome!" Doofenshmirtz grinned at him, and Perry felt his stomach jerk at the genuine expression of happiness on his face. "And don't worry, I can totally work with a smaller dancing partner."

Perry grinned back up at him; he knew that all too well.

* * *

It was past one in the morning when they stumbled out of Danville Emporium, hiding their laughter as they made their way into the empty streets and towards home. It had wound up being a particularly fun night. Perry's feet were sore, his bow-tie had been left on the dance floor somewhere and his head was swimming rather pleasantly. After walking for a block or two, Doofenshmirtz shrugged off his tuxedo jacket and slung it over his shoulder. Perry resisted the urge to do the same, and instead opted for flopping down onto the kerb.

"That's totally unhygienic, you know," Doofenshmirtz slurred, pulling a face. But he joined Perry anyway, almost slipping right out onto the road. "This has been a fun night! Thank you, stranger. I don't even know your name, how weird is that?"

Perry grinned like a lunatic, pleased with himself. God, Doofenshmirtz was so dense, it was unbelievable. It made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. But his mirth quickly turned to surprise when his nemesis shuffled closer until their sides pressed together. Perry considered for a moment, his thoughts jumbled with memories of dancing until he couldn't stand any longer. He shrugged and let himself slump sideways, nuzzling sleepily into Doofenshmirtz's arm.

"We should do this again. Alcohol is fun, and dancing is too. And Roger is still an ass, but his party was cool," Doofenshmirtz looked down at Perry, who sniggered into his hand, then yawned widely. "You looked beat! Do you have like, an e-mail or a phone number? A name would be awesome too."

Perry sat upright and fished in his pocket.

"You have _cards_?" Doofenshmirtz giggled. He took it from Perry's grasp when he waved it at him, reading it through blurry, drunken eyes. "That's so fancy! Lemme see...Agent P, official member of the OWACA. Danville, USA-"

He leapt to his feet and dropped the empty champagne bottle, his face paling. He looked around so quickly that his neck cracked, but his foreign companion was gone, the kerb that he had been sitting on was bare. His mask and fedora had been abandoned on the side-walk, and Doofenshmirtz leaned against the closest mailbox for support.

"_...I love that stupid little platypus to death.__._"

He sucked in a lungful of air, tore the card to tiny pieces and let out the loudest scream he had ever heard come from his own throat.

"Curse you all the way to hell, Perry the Platypus!"

A couple of blocks away, Perry paused to catch his breath. He grinned to himself.

Curse him, indeed.


End file.
